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You Might Be a Spammer If

Nice to meet you, Mr. Legitimate Email Marketer. Actually, you look kind of familiar. Have we met before?

You look just like this guy I know…what was his name? Oh yes! You look just like Mr. Spam!

Oh – I do apologize. I didn’t mean to make you angry. You’ve heard of him, then?

Oh, you’re talking about the guy with the Viagra and Rolexes you can win and free iPads and friends in unfortunate situations who just happen to be rich, generous Nigerian princes. Yes, I know him – that’s Scam Spam.

But I’m talking about his brother, Oblivy S. Spam. That’s the one you look like. Oblivy’s got a real business and just wants to promote it honestly. But he’s a little desperate for results, so sometimes he crosses the line.

Know who I mean? He’s that guy who:

– Is an affiliate for twelve companies – and promotes them all to that one, tired list.

– When asked where he got those new addresses he’s importing to his list, whines, “I just found them!”

– Has accounts with multiple email service providers. When his message doesn’t go through from the first one, he just sends it from the other!

– Is trying to write an app to dump each new Facebook contact’s details into his subscriber list, and can’t understand why no one will help him!

– Puts {firstname}in the from line of his email to {firstname}. Everyone likes to hear from themselves.

– Considers it perfectly legitimate to send a reply without actually having gotten a message to reply to in the first place.

– Is on the email service provider ‘s speed dial. And not because he’s a high roller.

– Developed carpal tunnel syndrome from hitting “return” over and over, pushing his unsubscribe link down to the depths where subscribers will never find it.

– Has CAN-SPAM printed out and tacked to his wall, scribbled with notes about every loophole he can find.

– Realizes, when complaint rates for his daily emails spike, that he’s not been sending enough value. So he doubles his sends.

– When someone mentions confirmed opt-in, mutters, “Fascists,” and changes the topic to that new multi-level marketing “opportunity.”

– Kick-started his motorcycle marketing campaign with a welcome email to his cat-lovers club. After all, both things purr!

– When applying for membership on that industry website, listed his reason for joining as, “So I can provide relevant value with my targeted messages.”

– Thinks the spam score-o-meter is just like his grade school report card and he’s striving to hit 100%.

You’re nodding now. I can tell you’ve met Oblivy S. before. Are you two related?

No, you say? Well…good.

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1 Comment

  • by Scott Hardigree
    Posted February 18, 2011 11:32 pm 0Likes

    “Developed carpal tunnel syndrome from hitting “return” over and over, pushing his unsubscribe link down to the depths where subscribers will never find it.” – This one is my favorite!!!

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